The Meanderings of Fingers

WIP of an earth dragon goddess for a friend.

Tue, 08 May 2012 19:26:40 -0400

WIP of an earth dragon goddess for a friend.

A WIP for someone.

Tue, 08 May 2012 19:26:04 -0400

A WIP for someone.

Safe place to vent and cry, I’m going to pretend that’s what this is… it might be...

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 18:17:35 -0400

Safe place to vent and cry, I’m going to pretend that’s what this is… it might be a Tl;Dr, so feel free to skip it right on by.

I’m cycling around towards the precipice again. Discouragement and disappointment are eating through my determination like tears made from acid rain - sky knows I’ve been crying enough of them again.

It’s probably just excuses for myself again. I must not want it enough, that’s all it can really be, right? If I wanted this to work, I would feel driven and motivated to work every moment I’m not actually working at the hospital.

But I don’t.

I still fight with myself to work and to push to drag more out of myself onto the paper. To pick up the color and to study. But it’s past time for that, isn’t it? I didn’t soak it up when I should have.

I have become so preoccupied with life - with drowning in debt, with barely seeing my significant other, with the fact that life happens and over and over I am pushing back not only getting a place together but our wedding. How do I keep up and try to make those strides to improve my art and myself into something people want and care about? I can’t shut it off, none of it is going to go away. None of it is going to change.

I fucked up. I should never have thought I could make my way with my art being anything but a hobby. I would be a lot better off, wouldn’t I? Even if I loved being immersed in the culture of art, if I will forever be attracted and want to live in it - I can’t do it, can I?

If I can’t support myself in the things I supposedly love, it can never work. All I see when I look at the images is a single thought: Not good enough. The art isn’t good enough and so I am not good enough. I am not worthy of anyone’s notice and I am lucky to have a fiancee who does.

I feel like it’s time to face reality.

It’s time to deactivate the accounts - DeviantArt, Tumblr, Gaia, Photobucket and all the rest. Wipe it all away and keep it to myself in my books or in my head.

Time to buckle down and be an adult. Go back to school, get a job that I can pay my bills and make a living with. A job I can stop being a burden on my family with and get on my own feet, pay my bills, be married. Maybe then, someday, art might have room to be an integral part of my life again instead of being trod upon and put on the back burner. Every time I put a piece up, things I put my heart and soul into, and can’t even get a cursory comment…

It’s selfish and vain to need the validation of others’ approval, but I need it anyway! And I can’t attain it, I’m just not good enough.

I wish it could be me saying that this is all brought on by life going to hell in a hand basket - my panic with my upcoming surgery, Jace’s injury, financial struggles, car problems etc all at once. But it’s not the first time this has crossed my mind. Every time I post something and hold my breath until I can’t hold it anymore it comes. If I can’t support myself, how can others support me?

They can’t. I can’t. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Hello Tumblr wall… been awhile. Sorry.Have a doodle of...

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 22:12:58 -0400

Hello Tumblr wall… been awhile. Sorry.

Have a doodle of Yoki/Iyalisai.

-runs off-

And to top it all off, my favorite out of the bunch. She took...

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 16:44:42 -0400

And to top it all off, my favorite out of the bunch. She took me the longest, and though she was the first one she is kind of overall my favorite. I think this may be because I was able to utilize the ruffle texture in her skirts the most to get some awesome folds going on, never mind that wings are always fun.

Remilia from Touhou.

And now the reverse~ Though this gal would be a right pain in my...

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 16:43:04 -0400

And now the reverse~ Though this gal would be a right pain in my butt. And while she kind of was at first, once I jumped the mental hurdle and just started throwing in other colors I actually quite enjoyed myself, especially on those sleeves. xD

Reimu from Touhou.

Again, the other one I thought I’d have the most fun with....

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 16:41:51 -0400

Again, the other one I thought I’d have the most fun with. Turns out that green is a bit of a pain to shade the way I wanted. I think I might try the reverse of what I aimed to do here next time and see what happens.

Her spirit there was awesome fun to just have at, though. :’D

Youmu from Touhou.

Momiji from Touhou. Thought I was going to enjoy this one, but...

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 16:40:15 -0400

Momiji from Touhou. Thought I was going to enjoy this one, but damn did I have a difficult time with her. I’d say she’s my least favorite out of this group I puttered with.

Free Sketches & Pencil Commissions

Sat, 17 Mar 2012 06:44:20 -0400

Anyone who is willing to feature me in their DA journal/Tumblr for a week will get a free half-body sketch from me.

Details here:

http://ise-san.deviantart.com/journal/Free-sketches-amp-Pencil-commissions-290761017#comments

…of books and peonies.

Thu, 15 Mar 2012 09:24:29 -0400

…of books and peonies.

One of my best friends sent me this quote, and though it is long it’s probably the truest...

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 12:03:39 -0500

One of my best friends sent me this quote, and though it is long it’s probably the truest thing I’ve read in a long, long time. Thank you, Rache!

“Nobody tells this to people who are beginners. I wish someone had told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple of years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase; they quit. Most people who I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know that our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or are still in this phase, you gotta know that it’s normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you finish one piece. It’s only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You just gotta fight your way through.”

Ira Glass

Sketch Page Commissions

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 20:53:33 -0500

Sketch Page Commissions

One of my favorite songs from the Okami game soundtrack.Epic,...

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 21:34:03 -0500

One of my favorite songs from the Okami game soundtrack.

Epic, amazing and as full of majesty as the title states. Eventually I’ll do a piece of art of Amaterasu that does this song justice.

Because it’s my favorite game ever and I have always...

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 21:30:40 -0500

Because it’s my favorite game ever and I have always wanted to see Amaterasu in that “beautiful maiden” guise they always hint at.

Okami made me laugh, it made me cry, get mad and everything in between right up to the goofy, beyond happy grin by the end of the game that I couldn’t wipe off my face.

Egged on by one of my favorite songs from the game.

Rambling thoughts, avenues of inspiration… who knows what...

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 22:14:16 -0500

Rambling thoughts, avenues of inspiration… who knows what will come out.

What Yoki looks like when she wakes up after a century long sleep perhaps.

A few weeks old now, but I feel bad that nothing has been going...

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 19:37:46 -0500

A few weeks old now, but I feel bad that nothing has been going up, so a little bit of filler sketches.

for my beau.What cropped up in my head while drawing it was a...

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 12:43:53 -0500

for my beau.

What cropped up in my head while drawing it was a very smug, “I own the game… and you are but a pawn on the table.”

DoA Commission for Anneke of her incoming SOOM Amber. I had...

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 09:31:15 -0500

DoA Commission for Anneke of her incoming SOOM Amber. I had been spitting out some little quick doodles for people in the SOOM Female Free Choice Event thread I’m hanging out in (working on my layaway for a bronze Vesuvia, squee!) and the lovely Anneke contacted me about a more specific commission. I had a lot of fun with her.

Copic & Pencil Commissions

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 07:33:12 -0500

Copic & Pencil Commissions:

Got some commissions prices up with some nice little discounts if you want a couple image or even 2 completely separate fullbodies. Come check them out~

And just to prove I AM still working on it… because I WILL...

Sat, 28 Jan 2012 19:23:30 -0500

And just to prove I AM still working on it… because I WILL finish this one and I’m just pondering how to do it right. This one is so much better than the original ink I did I think… I feel a lot more emotion in it and that makes me happy.